I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
