I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
