I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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