went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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