I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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