Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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