Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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