wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
