just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Someone came in the potted fern
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
