When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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