My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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