We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize