You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
