I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
