i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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