There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
