I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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