If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
