I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
