marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
