We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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