HIV tests are more positive than that guy
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
"it" just moved
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
