Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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