Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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