I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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