He kissed a someone with a penis
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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