I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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