I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
this boner is exhausting
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
