When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
