I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
