Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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