Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
