Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
