In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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