I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
