A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
