Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
