I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
