just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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