I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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