Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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