I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
