I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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