We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
