Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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