All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
