I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
