Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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