vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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