I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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