i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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