You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
