I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
