the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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