If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
