We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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