i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
