My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
