took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
