if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
