he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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