Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
