Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
