these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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