she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Randomize
